A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. “This is a very smart dog.”, the man commented. “Not so smart,” said one of the players. “every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
There are TWO secrets to success at Poker.
Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.
How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.
What is the difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.
I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
A man comes home…from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”
“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”
“How did you manage that, you fool?”
“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”
What is the…difference between a professional poker player and God?
God doesn’t think He’s a professional poker player.
Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races. I asked him about this once and he replied, “Well … they won’t let me shuffle the horses.”
Indecent Proposal
Two couples got together to play some cards. Before the game started one of the players, named John, got up to go to the bathroom. On his way to the bathroom he passed by the bedroom and accidentally saw Bill’s wife changing. His faced turned beat red, he quickly said excuse me and continued on to the bathroom.
Later, after the game was over, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked?”
John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.” After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom together. When they were finished John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”
Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?” She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes… he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”
Dear John, I’m sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.
Love,
Mary
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
The regular Friday night poker…game was still going strong after midnight. One of the players returned from the restroom, saying “Bill, I just saw your wife in the bedroom with Frank!”
“OK, that’s it, guys. This is definitely the last hand.”
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A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. “I hope you
don’t mind,” she said, “but I play better when I’m naked.” She then
proceeded to undress.
On the very first hand, after some heavy betting,
she was head’s-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the
river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and
started screaming, “I won! I won! I won!”
The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot.
“What’d she have?” the loser asked the dealer.
“I don’t know,” the dealer said. “I thought YOU were watching.”
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The regular Friday night…poker game was going on when John lost $500 on a single hand, had a heart attack, and died. “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They drew cards, and Bill drew the low card. He knocked on John’s door and told his wife, “John lost $500 at poker tonight.”
She turns red and yells, “Tell that $#*^_^ to DROP DEAD!”
Bill walks away sheepishly and says, “I’ll tell him.”
“That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
A man hears a voice…that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again; saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.
Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.
At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.
The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt A
A
. “Go all
in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is J
T 9.
“F*%$!” says the voice.Q: What did the giraffe say to the leopard at the poker table?
A: I thought you were a cheetah.
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
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Thanks for sharing,
Kevin
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