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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Wife Screws The Mailman As A Gift For His Last Day On The Job


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him! Give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


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at 11:55 PM
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Young Cowboy Asks An Old Cowboy For His Bowl Of Chili

 

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."


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at 11:43 PM
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Guy Allergic To Caffeine With No Balls Gets A Job At The Post Office

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

He answers ‘Yes – caffeine’.

‘Have you ever been in the service?’

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’

The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, ‘Yes …a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’

The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’ ‘

‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, not really any point in you coming in for that.’


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at 11:38 PM
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A Woman Goes To The Doctor Complaining of Stomach Cramps

So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "You're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing diapers."


"Why? Am I Pregnant?"

"No" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer


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at 11:29 PM
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Little Johnny Bets The Teacher She Has A Mole On Her Ass

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."


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at 11:13 PM
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Three Hungry Japanese Men Whacking Off In A Restaurant

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. 

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." 

The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" 

One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"


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at 11:06 PM
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Four Guys And A Girl Survive A Plane Crash

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. 

Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. 

This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.


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at 10:58 PM
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Men's Mastercard Commercial


Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: ***PRICELESS***


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at 10:51 PM
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Guy Has Sex With One Siamese Twin While The Other One Plays A Trombone

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. 

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do? 

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. 

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"


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at 10:43 PM
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Eight Year Old Boy Goes To Buy Tampons At The Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"


The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."


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at 10:33 PM
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Man Suffers From Premature Ejaculation?

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. 

The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" 

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." 

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" 

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."


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at 10:25 PM
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Good Looking Guy Strikes Out. Ugly Man gets The Women In A Bar

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.


Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean REALLY ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.


Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'


'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'


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at 10:21 PM
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A Man Helps A Guy With No Arms And A Scabby And Pussie Penis Go To The Bathroom

This guy walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. 

A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Excuse me... could you help me to use the bathroom?". 

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all scabby and pussie. 

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's gnarly unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"


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at 10:11 PM
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Pregnant Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, Dirty Blonde Jokes - Jokes"Because when we did it, my husband was on top."

The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy.




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at 9:52 PM
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Blonde Lion Tamer Joke

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."


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at 9:49 PM
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Little Johnny Asks Daddy About God

Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"


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at 8:04 PM
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Grandma Joins The Hooker Lineup

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"


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at 7:30 PM
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Little Johnny Sleeps With His Teacher

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss Smith can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss Smith can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the Miss Smith leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".


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at 7:06 PM
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Little Johnny On Santa's Lap

Little Johnny sits on Santa's lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J o h n n y ?"


The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"


Little Johnny's eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"


Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".


Little Johnny gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"


Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" Little Johnny says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"


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at 6:47 PM
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Man Puts His Wife Up For Prostitution

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"


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at 6:36 PM
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92 Year Old Man Walking Down The Street With A Hot Chick


A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. 

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." 

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


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at 6:30 PM
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Little Johnny Jabbing Little April With A Needle

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted.


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at 6:22 PM
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Guy Goes To The Pharmacist To Buy Cyanide To Kill His Wife

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. 

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." 

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."


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at 6:15 PM
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