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Saturday, September 10, 2011
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've
been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did,
by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE
CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN
THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE
ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
THIS...
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Southern Belle's Description Of Sexual Habits Of New York City
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Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
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Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
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Man Gives Up Sex For Lent
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
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Wife Sees Rage In Her Husbands Face During Sex
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A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."
Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"
She says, "Once, and I saw rage."
Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"
The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."
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A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."
Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"
She says, "Once, and I saw rage."
Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"
The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."
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My Wife Is A Liar!
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"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
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"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
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Sarcastic Sayings
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And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
If I throw a stick will you leave??
YOU!.... Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
A woman's favorite position is CEO
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Too many freaks not enough circuses.
Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
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And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
If I throw a stick will you leave??
YOU!.... Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
A woman's favorite position is CEO
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Too many freaks not enough circuses.
Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
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Real Estate Terms And Their Real Meaning
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·Cozy – One of my favorite terms. It means the home is too small for human habitation. Remember the 19th Century when a family of six could live in a single room home? This is the home for them.
·Intimate – The only home smaller than ‘cozy.’ These homes are perfect if you’re roughly the size of a garden gnome.
·Charming – If you’re used to living without indoor plumbing, this home is perfect for you. It comes complete with old woodwork, wide molding, and kitchen cabinets that date before the Great Depression. The cobwebs are an added bonus.
·Conveniently Located – It is located at a busy intersection, where the traffic noise is so heavy, you’ll have to sleep with ear plugs.
Easy Highway Access – This is actually worse than “Conveniently Located”. Here you’ll have to sleep with pillows duct taped to your head.
·Country Living – We hope you like spending a lot of time driving because this home is located so far from civilization that you may have to raise your own animals in order to survive.
·City Living- Lock the doors with all three deadbolts because it’s not safe to go outside.
·Needs Some TLC – Beware. You might fall through the floor.
·Water View – If you stand on a ladder in the corner bedroom of the second floor and lean out the window, you might be able to see it.
·Water Front - Located in a flood zone.
·Not a Drive-By – Because the exterior is so hideous, you’re likely to drive by without stopping. You might even look over your shoulder to see if condemned signs have been placed in the yard yet.
·Must See The Inside – This is a variation of “Not a Drive-By.” The outside looks like it’s been decorated for Halloween, but it’s currently March. The Addams Family actually turned this home down.
·Handyman Special – So special that not even the walls are solid. The home is probably ready to collapse.
·Unique – This home is so unique that it will only appeal to a small percentage of the population. In fact, the number of buyers who would appreciate the architecture is so small that we’re still hoping some weird person from southern California takes a job relocation and moves to the area.
·Easy to Show – The prior owners vacated the home as soon as they heard the gunfire down the street. The doors don’t shut properly, so pretty much anyone can go in anytime they’d like.
·Only One Owner – And he didn’t make an update since the day he built the home forty-seven years ago.
·Freshly Painted – With a single coat of cheap paint.
·Cul-de-sac Living – A fancy way to say you’ll be living at a ‘dead-end.’
·Friendly Neighborhood – In fact, several busy bodies will watch your every move and the creepy guy across the street has a telescope trained on this home at all times.
(Excerpt from Loren Keim's Book - "Life Lessons... from the back seat of my car")
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·Cozy – One of my favorite terms. It means the home is too small for human habitation. Remember the 19th Century when a family of six could live in a single room home? This is the home for them.
·Intimate – The only home smaller than ‘cozy.’ These homes are perfect if you’re roughly the size of a garden gnome.
·Charming – If you’re used to living without indoor plumbing, this home is perfect for you. It comes complete with old woodwork, wide molding, and kitchen cabinets that date before the Great Depression. The cobwebs are an added bonus.
·Conveniently Located – It is located at a busy intersection, where the traffic noise is so heavy, you’ll have to sleep with ear plugs.
Easy Highway Access – This is actually worse than “Conveniently Located”. Here you’ll have to sleep with pillows duct taped to your head.
·Country Living – We hope you like spending a lot of time driving because this home is located so far from civilization that you may have to raise your own animals in order to survive.
·City Living- Lock the doors with all three deadbolts because it’s not safe to go outside.
·Needs Some TLC – Beware. You might fall through the floor.
·Water View – If you stand on a ladder in the corner bedroom of the second floor and lean out the window, you might be able to see it.
·Water Front - Located in a flood zone.
·Not a Drive-By – Because the exterior is so hideous, you’re likely to drive by without stopping. You might even look over your shoulder to see if condemned signs have been placed in the yard yet.
·Must See The Inside – This is a variation of “Not a Drive-By.” The outside looks like it’s been decorated for Halloween, but it’s currently March. The Addams Family actually turned this home down.
·Handyman Special – So special that not even the walls are solid. The home is probably ready to collapse.
·Unique – This home is so unique that it will only appeal to a small percentage of the population. In fact, the number of buyers who would appreciate the architecture is so small that we’re still hoping some weird person from southern California takes a job relocation and moves to the area.
·Easy to Show – The prior owners vacated the home as soon as they heard the gunfire down the street. The doors don’t shut properly, so pretty much anyone can go in anytime they’d like.
·Only One Owner – And he didn’t make an update since the day he built the home forty-seven years ago.
·Freshly Painted – With a single coat of cheap paint.
·Cul-de-sac Living – A fancy way to say you’ll be living at a ‘dead-end.’
·Friendly Neighborhood – In fact, several busy bodies will watch your every move and the creepy guy across the street has a telescope trained on this home at all times.
(Excerpt from Loren Keim's Book - "Life Lessons... from the back seat of my car")
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Rich Man's and Poor Man's Anniversary Gifts
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Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary.
They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
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Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary.
They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
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New Navy Man With No Women Onboard
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This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.
The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
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This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.
The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
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Greeting Cards You'll Most Likely Never See On A Hallmark
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"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you...
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate...
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
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What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you...
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate...
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
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Doctor Tells Patient His Wife Either Has Alzheimers Or AIDS
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Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
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Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
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Follow @kevinpoker
Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
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Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
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The Dating Dictionary
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ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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Men Are Like...
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placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
government bonds
they take so long to mature.
copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
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Four Men Brag About Their Sons
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Four men got together at a reunion. Three of
them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth
guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was
doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why,
just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of
brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
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The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
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Office Manager Tells Gives Stressed Employee Advice
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An office manager arrives at his department
and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
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He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
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Friday, September 9, 2011
Drill A Tooth Or Have A Baby?
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This woman goes into a dentist's office, after
he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you
this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
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The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
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Guy Offers Up Wife To Escape Convict
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied
up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as
he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything
he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'
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'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'
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Lawyer Jokes
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Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Lawyer and Engineer:
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?
Follow @moneybwebguy Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Bad Reputation
Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
Alligator "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."
Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.
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Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.
Three Wishes
Genie A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Guess Who
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Mark Twain notes...
"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
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Heaven Getting Crowded
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Questions About Lawyers
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Not All Lawyers Are Thieves
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Two Boys' Fathers
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind."
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?
Something for the Dear Departed
A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Professional Fighting
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
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A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Lawyer and Engineer:
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?
Follow @moneybwebguy Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Bad Reputation
Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
Alligator "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."
Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.
Follow @moneybwebguy
Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.
Three Wishes
Genie A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Guess Who
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Mark Twain notes...
"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Follow @moneybwebguy
Heaven Getting Crowded
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Questions About Lawyers
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Not All Lawyers Are Thieves
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Two Boys' Fathers
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind."
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?
Something for the Dear Departed
A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Professional Fighting
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
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Thanks for sharing,
Kevin
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